"Looking For Answers..." | Never Compromise

I'd originally planned to write a piece on here during the week regarding how the writing was going, but I also remembered that this is my blog - sure, it's predominately to be used for my writing hobby, but I can use it as an outlet for everything and anything should I choose to. So today, I'm taking the opportunity to write about a few home truths and see if any strike a chord.

With it being a Sunday, I've taken the opportunity today to just veg out and keep to myself. As I've mentioned previously, I love my own company a lot of the time, and it allows me to reflect, focus and try to get on top of things. Being the deep-thinking guy that I am, I decided to look back on pictures from yesteryear and check out my Timehop, just to see if anything interesting popped up; and low and behold, something did. It may not seem much at first glance, but hopefully as I continue to tell my tale, it may seem to make sense.

The oldest post on my Timehop from five or so years ago was from a band called Crystal Castles. It's funny how just seeing the name of a band can have you feeling all nostalgic and funny, but it did, and I couldn't help but smile. Crystal Castles are certainly not what you would typically call mainstream - heck, I doubt if they'd get much airplay even on a radio station like XFM. A very niche' band with a very niche' style, but I absolutely love their music. It is very out there, but I feel like a lot of the time it speaks to me - they have a unique sound with even more unique lyrics, but they have a rawness about them that has me stirring a lot of the time. Just listening through to their first album after such a long time had me remembered days gone past. Most people my age may recognise "Alice Practice" from the second series of Skins - it's my personal favourite track of theirs.

Listening to that song and remembering the emotions it helped me tap into had me going through old CD's and memory sticks, trying to find other songs and bands that I may not have listened to in forever. I succeeded - foreign bands KMFM and In Extremo had me rocking out to songs that I used to almost a decade ago, and it was awesome. I rediscovered Times of Grace, a band that spoke volumes to me years ago when I was going through a tough stage in my life, and in a lot of ways, their music helped me through it. It was a wave of nostalgia that I could only truly experience by myself, and as insular as that may appear, it's the truth. For a couple of hours I just sat there, listening to these songs and finding the urge to write anything that came to mind that I would associate with what I was hearing.

It was raw emotion that I was tapping into, but perhaps even more so, it was passion. I associated both good and bad with the songs I was listening to for a number of different reasons, but it allowed me to at least remember and go back in time, if only for a short time. I know some people can't stand their own company, but it is days like today that make me truly happy that I have enough time on my hands to do what I have this afternoon. 

It also got me thinking... Why were none of these songs, which I find 100x better than the majority of stuff that I listen to now, on my iPod? Hell, there wasn't a trace of any of these bands or songs on either my iPod or phone, or even my YouTube favourites. Why was that? Was there a point where I drew a line in the sand and said I wasn't going to listen to these bands/songs any longer?

It soon dawned on me that all of these songs and bands were not mainstream in the slightest. They wouldn't go over well at all at a party, and I know the majority, if not all, of my friends wouldn't listen to them. And that's cool, we all have different tastes, but what does that say about me deciding not to listen anymore? Was that me listening to other stuff to fit in? Possibly. Maybe that was me conforming as I reached a certain age? Maybe. Or maybe the memories connected to these songs and the emotions that they elicit from me are ones I'd rather forget? Bingo.

Take Thirty Seconds To Mars - one of my favourite bands, but I associate their songs with a lot of bad times and heartache in my life - as such, I opt not to listen to their stuff too much anymore. The power of music, I suppose, and yeah it may sound stupid, but that's just me. Like I said earlier, I think a lot and anything can get me overthinking if the situation calls for it. It's just how I am.

Instead of running from those emotions and those memories, I need to embrace them. Our past, for better or worse, dictates our future and if we run from it, then we're just running from ourselves. We need to learn from it and grow from our past experiences. Music is such a powerful tool, as is writing, and to me the two have often gone hand in hand.

I honestly believe at some point in the past, I've began to just coast along. I can't pin-point it, but I am finding more and more recently that I'm getting fed up. Maybe it's because I'm having time to think too much, or perhaps it's because I'm just not satisfied. I used to have such grand ideas, such hopes and aspirations, and don't get it twisted, I still do. I just can't help but feel that I'm spinning my gears at the moment, and it has me increasingly frustrated. I'm a creative guy, I need to create and do something different to that nine-to-five job (which I love in its own way). Writing is my hobby just as much as it is my passion, and I need to start treating it as something serious and with potential to change things. 

In my heart, I'm a rebel - it's been stifled and stamped out in recent years, but I am beginning to have my eyes opened again. I'm happy to an extent now, but I can be a whole lot happier - only I can really change things, so I need to put a plan into action. Reading the textbooks is the first step, as it keeping up with this blog, regardless if one person or fifty read it - any audience and support is better than none.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, never compromise who you are. I can't help but feel that's what I've been doing for quite some time now. Never again, not anymore. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Thanks a ton for reading, and I'll be checking in again soon.

- Will