Enjoy The Silence | Understanding Myself

Hey there.

I’m writing all of this on spur of the moment, so bare with me – this is likely going to be appear really disjointed, a tad all over the place, and likely full of grammatical errors.

This blog, as I’ve said a couple of times in the past, is to be used however I see fit – it started off purely for my own story writing purposes, but then developed into including reviews/retrospectives on forms of media I’ve enjoyed. Every once in a while however, I’ve used it to just speak my mind and vent. I’ve noticed recently that I’m repeating and saying the same things over and over to friends and family alike about certain situations I find myself in, yet they seem to either go unheard, unnoticed, or maybe worst of all, taken onboard, only to be forgotten. Hence, this blog – I feel the need to write about some serious home truths, some ideals I believe in, and hopefully, some people may begin to understand me better.

Me, Myself and I

I like my own company. Period. This isn’t something I should need to really go into any great depth, but basically, being an only child means growing up I got used to spending time on my jack jones. My parents separating only emphasised this further, and that’s cool. That’s how I like it a lot of the time, and y’know what? I shouldn’t have to explain to anybody why I don’t want to do something. Somebody invites me somewhere, and I don’t fancy it? That’s all the reason that’s needed. No big reason given as to why, with this-that-and the other – just a simple case of “No, I’d quite like to chill by myself tonight”. Done and dusted. Some people thrive off the company of others, and that’s awesome, good for them. I don’t, at least not all of the time. I love a good night out, I love spending time with friends, but on occasion, I like to sit in my room, listen to music, watch a movie, do some writing, and have some me-time. Bottom line. If I’m not available or would rather not, accept it, move on, heck invite somebody else around. Please. If me saying “No” is not a good enough, I’m not against being firmer and somewhat blunter with my response if need be.  It’s just how it is – I don’t want to be made to feel bad or guilty or left out because of my personal decision to spend some time alone.

The Ties That Bind

Friendship is an odd thing, as people can read more into them than others, or depend on them more than others. Me? I value my friendships more than most, I love spending time with my friends and am truly grateful for all of them. I’m lucky to have as many friends as I do. But one thing I hate is people taking friendship for granted. A friendship is give and take, 50/50, you get what you put in. Long standing friendships, people are willing to give a bit more, take a bit more, perhaps put up with a bit more… but that should never be taken for granted by anybody. I love this notion that friendships made in school last forever, no matter what. Or the notion that friendships with long-standing friends should survive the storm and all this bullshit. Newsflash – I may put up with a bit more because I know my closest friends more than most, but everybody has their boiling point. There is only so much anybody will put up with from new friends to childhood friends alike – we do not live in this bubble where you can fall out and know magically no matter what that it will get resolved. If I fall out with somebody, I fall out with them – I don’t change my attitude or opinion much regardless of how close I am to them or how long I’ve known them. This is just my outlook, and it may appear trivial, it may appear stubborn, but that is how I am. I cherish all the friendships I have, but don’t think for a second that I will compromise myself for any of them – because to me, a true friend would never expect that from you.

Brother, My Brother

People have incredibly different opinions and relationships with their family. Some don’t talk to them whatsoever, some spend every waking moment with them. What’s needed from others is an understanding that everybody’s situation is different. Take me for example – I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m estranged from my family, but I would say that I don’t get to see them nearly as often as I like (and this goes for both my Mum’s side in Wales, and my Dad’s side down here in England). When an opportunity arises to see them, I jump at the chance, though my family’s problems are a tad convoluted at times. Saying that, I am still fiercely protective of my family – we may have our problems, we may fight, we may argue, some of us may not talk. That happens, that’s life, families fall out. But don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t stick up for any of them in a heartbeat. I may dislike some family members, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. Arguments and disagreements all too often tear apart family ties and bonds when they shouldn’t, but there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that. All I can do is stand by those who stand by me, and show the same love and compassion that they have for me over the years. And when the time comes with other family members to make amends, I’ll do so. Life is too short for anything else, and especially for holding grudges.

This Is Not An Exit

I would kill to get into the wrestling business... okay, maybe not literally kill, but it is a dream of mine. Anybody who knows me knows my love for wrestling. It’s my dream to be involved in the business some way, even more so than writing, but it’s just near enough impossible for me. I’m never going to be a wrestler, being a manager is a dying art, and then options dry up fairly quickly after that, as the big companies in wrestling are over in the States. I’ll be honest, I’ve made attempts to get into the indie UK scene to no avail, but hey, at least I’ve tried. That is why my writing and this blog is so near and dear to my heart. My writing could lead to something more/bigger/better. Obviously there’s a seriously slim chance of that happening… and if I’m being realistic, It’s likely never going to happen, and I do write because it is a hobby – but I also write because I want it to maybe one day be an avenue for money. I want to sell my writing, monetize my blog etc. I want to turn my hobby into something more, and the only way I can do that is be 100% committed, 100% dedicated, and 100% serious about it. You can’t half-ass these kind of things, you’re even in it all the way, or you’re just skirting around spinning your gears. If I’m working on this, it’s because I want it to be a success. Writing isn’t an interest to you? Fine, that’s cool – but it’s a damn important one to me. If you aren’t interested in reading what I have to say, that’s okay too – but don’t belittle or look down upon what I’m doing as a result. Cheers.

Enjoy The Silence

Last but not least, this links up to the first point, but also all of them in a way. I think a lot, probably a lot more than a person usually should. I worry a lot about things out of my control, it’s a terrible trait but it’s just how I am as a person. I get very overwhelmed easy, my thoughts are sometimes a tad too much for me to handle, so sometimes I do retreat. I like my own company, because sometimes, I go off the radar – I need time to re-group and just re-focus my energies. This isn’t personal against anyone or anything like that, I am just wired in a way where sometimes I need to run away and escape from reality. Some people do this in a variety of ways, some helpful, some destructive… for me, I just stay away from people, stay away from nights out, stay away from everything basically. It doesn’t happen often, and it’s really hard for me to explain in any more real detail without dedicating an entire blog to it, but in all honesty, it’s not something I’m overly confident about discussing, at least not yet. I just wanted to explain why in future, you might not hear from me as often as usual. Just because I’m not posting blogs or statuses and tweets doesn’t mean I’m not busy. Just because I’m not smiling doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I am an energetic, happy-go-luck guy, but sometimes even I need time to relax and reset. As Depeche Mode say, “Enjoy The Silence”… at least while it lasts.

Thanks for reading. I feel better.

Will