This Is My Story - Opening Up

"I bounce around and laugh and sing and dance and joke and cheer everyone up because what else am I for? And I know I really am good at stuff, lots of stuff, and I know I have a family that loves me, and I really am happy most of the time, I AM, and I want other people to be happy too... but not always. And the rest of the time... I don't let people see."

I've been doing a lot of thinking, perhaps a little bit too much recently as I often do, but I thought I'd kind've open myself up with this blog entry - I'm hoping it'll be cathartic for me to get this written down. It may come across as a jumbled up mess, but hey, with what I'm trying to tackle I think I'm entitled to a free pass on this one.

I can never remember having kind of worrying thoughts or feelings as a kid - I loved school, had great mates and family, the works. I was doing a lot of inward thinking this weekend just gone, thinking about life and me as a person, and it dawned on me that these feelings of dread really hit me hard when I reached 10 years old.

My parents had separated the year before and the living environment I was in wasn't the best. Don't get me wrong, my parents tried their absolute best to shield me from their arguing and whatnot, but it didn't work very well. Not that I ever spoke up about it, nor do I blame them for anything, but it started around then. It only got worse when my Dad would come pick me up to visit his; he'd often argue with my Mum on the doorstep, the raw feelings from the break-up still fresh in both of their minds. There was also my awkward relationship with my step-mum, who was thrust into a crazy situation of having this child visiting twice a week now as well. I used to resent the hell out of her, but in looking back, she was probably just as nervous as I was.

Secondary school presented a whole host of other problems - hormones, bullies, a new environment, I had a pretty tough time between 2002-2005. I remember the feeling of helplessness knowing that I had to go to school, knowing full well of the s**t I would have to deal with on any given day. There were good days sure, and I was known as the kind kid - you know, the one that everyone pretty much got along with. Hell, the bullies didn't have anything personal against me, they were just picking on because they could. I've made peace with that side of things also, but it didn't help how I felt.

Things improved from 6th Form onwards, social life exploded, new friends, experiences... but always that nagging feeling in the back of mind. Something wasn't always completely right. Close friends have seen me when I let my guard done, usually drunk, when the mask of happiness slips. It's rare, I've become so accustomed to never letting people in that much, but it happens. When it does, it isn't pretty. Amongst my close friends, I'm the butt of jokes, that's cool, it's all in jest - but there are days man, where I don't want to be that guy. Some days, everything is just all a little bit too much to handle.

Work is a fantastic place to be, such great colleagues and friends working there, helping me, sharing a laugh. I never really lose my cool, when I do it shocks people... it's not in my nature to be anything but happy, I want to be happy, and a lot of the time I am - but some days, like I said before... some days, it's just a bit too much. Not the work-load, not the customers, not the colleagues, it's just a bit too much being me. I know that sounds melodramatic, even a bit foolish, perhaps it is I don't know.

I don't know what I want out of life right now, and that scares me. Do I want to work in the same place until retirement? It'll pay well, pension is great, but will I be happy? Does that really matter, who really is happy at work? I am, for now, but will I always be? Happiness is fleeting, not constant, and I think I wrestle with that from time to time. I wanna' be that guy who people can look at and remark how I always try and see the positive side, try and help others, be an all-around good guy - and I take pride in that, I know others are proud of me for being that way too.

But when I am feeling differently, having an off-day, or struggling with my own thoughts, what then? Who do I then turn to? I know friends and colleagues have my back, family too no doubt... but how do you go about explaining something you yourself don't fully understand? Is it anxiety? Depression? Both? Neither, just me being over-sensitive? Perhaps mid-life crisis? Perhaps something more?

Or maybe it's nothing at all. That's the conclusion I keep coming to. It's all in my head, a combination of a load of tiny things and me not keeping on top of it all. So I stress myself out, like an idiot, and blogs like this are the end result.

If you ask me right here, right now, am I happy, I'd answer yes. I am, really happy in fact, and I'd go back to the same tired quote of everything I have - friends, family, job, health, blah blah blah. What about what I don't have? My own place, girlfriend, a better job? All variables, all goals, I can achieve them eventually I'm sure - can't I? It's self-doubt f**king with me sometimes, maybe that's what it is. I have self-esteem issues sure, but I've never compromised who I am for the sake of anybody or anything.

I ask myself, am I happy... and I just don't know right now. Superficially, yeah. I'm happy when spending time with mates, when I'm at work (which is a luxury a lot can't say I know!), when I'm with family, when I'm on the PS4, when I'm out socialising, when I'm writing stories, I am happy.

But at the end of the day, when I'm lying in bed at night in the dark, trying to sleep and I can't get comfortable... and I then realise that's a BS reason because what's really keeping me awake is my mind working overtime... am I happy then, reflecting on everything? I'm not sure. The honest answer is, I don't know - and if I'm unsure, then the answer can't be yes.

I have no idea if something's wrong, or if this is something everybody goes through. I haven't really discussed it with anybody, not even close mates, because like I said, I don't know what the hell this even is right now. I may look back on this blog entry in a week and cringe. I may look back in a week and feel better for speaking my mind. I may not look back at this at all.

I just had to write this blog. This isn't some cry for help or anything like that - I just had to let people know what's going on in my mind right now, that's all. If you took the time to read this, thank you. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't - but thank you all the same.